House Cleaning, Branching Out, and Lust - 02/01/2009

A Little Intro

Let's see, it's been awhile since I've decided to sit down and write a blog. How do I do this again? Oh that's right, music, a stiff drink and low light. Seems that the older I get, the stronger my drinks get. Currently my vice is a extra dry martini with green olives. Yum! I've been avoiding writing a blog mainly because of the lack of positive things to write about. Honestly, I've been a little bitter with everything to do with life these past 6 months. I moved, I switched schools and I did some serious house cleaning of people in my life.

House Cleaning

The idea of keeping people around in my life who don't care about me started to make me sick to my stomach. I found myself being so angry and unhappy at what people said and what they did, I started to make myself sick with anger. I took a long look and realized that I don't want drama in my life. I don't want to be a just that prized and pretty friend to anyone. I don't want to be the object of lust of some man who is going through a midlife crisis and is looking for any type of female attention. Lastly, I don't want people in my life who had limited time for my problems, but always found time to dump their problems on me. Life is too short for so many dramatic games people want to play. I think the main blow was losing a dear friend of almost 7 years because his girlfriend wanted to play some crazy messed up head games. That scenario made my brain hurt.

Everyone Hates Angelique Kithos - Well, Maybe Only a Few People :P

It's almost that my very presence angers people at this point. Things I say come across as being bitchy or insensitive, but I am more of a "matter of fact" type of person. I like to be as clear as possible since the majority of people don't get it. I do lots of "Let me speak slower so you can follow along". Then again, I have a tendency to talk a mile-a-minute. :) Anyone who knows me will say that I can be overly sensitive to people's feelings, instead of the cold ice queen people want to call me. People I don't even know find reasons to hate me at this point, which is hysterical and very amusing. I received a link a week or so ago (I have time lapse issues) about some YouTube channel where these people I don't even know were saying that they were going to ruin my career as a model. Ummm...okay? Here I was, under a pile of financial statements and equations working 16 hours a day, all while trying to schedule in eating and photoshoots. I ignored it because I don't even know the situation other than that I received a link with "you might want to read this" in the subject heading. They can go on with their pithy existence of a sad and pathetic life. I said to my friend Savannah Costello that I understand now the shit she has to go through being a blond, thin model with augmented breasts. People instantly will pass judgment upon you without even knowing who you are or what you have experienced in life. Pretty girls who don't care about what other people think are always first to get the finger pointed at them in most internet witch hunts. I am learning to just not care about what is said by people I don't care about. It seems pointless to acknowledge catty behavior, gossip, rude comments, or prejudice from people that I could give two-shits about.

Branching Out and Growing Up

Growing up is what I've been doing a lot of these past several months. Re-evaluating what is important to me, deciding what I want out of life, and who I want to spend it with. Besides the house cleaning, I've been coming to terms with who I really am and what makes me unique. The subject of "me" was always very cloudy and filled with the various ideas of who other people wanted me to be. My desires were always hidden in shame that I'd be judged by my loved ones. Now, I am embracing them with open arms and I don't give a fuck who doesn't approve. :) Finding someone to share that with is the most amazing feeling in the world. Honestly, something that I've never announced officially, I am a submissive. I enjoy that lifestyle. All I needed was to find someone that I trusted, was deeply attracted to, and that I clicked with to open up my eyes to the possibility of exploring that avenue more fully. I needed a true dominate, not just someone who kind of toyed with the idea of dominating because it seemed like a cool idea. The "trusted" and "deeply attracted" aspect was never around in the past. Sure, I had dom/sub play before, but I wasn't attracted to those people, not in the way that I am now. I didn't desire them and the majority of them were needy children trapped in a man's body. Thinking about being near them didn't fill me with what I feel now, that can only be described as an uncomfortable and frightening lust. I don't mean it in a negative sense. It's a "oh my god, I can get lost here for hours with this person" kind of feeling. That idea is both frightening and can be a disruption to my daily life - I have a vivid imagination. :) It also makes me question what it is that I want in a partner and if I am getting everything that I need in my current relationship. With the past "doms" hehe, I didn't feel the same. I never finished someone's sentences before. I never had fun with them doing stupid things like playing video games or chatting about nonsense. Overall, they never took an interest in getting to know me as a person. I was never issued that respect. On antoher note, feel free to add me at www.fetlife.com if you're a model/photographer.

Lust

My life seems to be filled with lots of lusting and sexual thoughts. I think about sex all the time. It's starting to show in everything I do! It's as if sex is written all over my face and in my photos. I love sex. I get this warm feeling in my stomach like how it would feel if you drank several shots of whiskey and went outside in the cold. What I am craving isn't sex. The physical act of sex is starting to get boring to me. 10-15 minutes and you're done.What I crave is what I have had so many times in the past. I want an entire afternoon/evening of kissing, touching, feeling, loving, chatting naked, and letting go of everything to throw yourself into your partner. I want to feel everything there is to possibly feel during sex. The breath on your neck, the light touches, the response to a touch or a whisper, the anticipation, the intensity of the the repeated pleasure, and the feeling of your lover's sweat on every inch of your body. I want to bathe myself in lust for several hours. I want to be drunk with love.

A Happy Ending to This Blog

Overall, I am doing quit well. I am happy with where I am in life and what I currently have. I have narrowed it down to a few close friends that are sincere and who will always love, support me, and be there for me when I need them the most. I am also meeting new people that I find very interesting. Even though I have a swamped schedule of intense school studies and modeling work, I am trying to find time for myself. I feel optimistic about life, as busy and hectic as it may be. Funny, when you start becoming happy with who you are, things like extra weight seem melt off fairly quickly. Something I was always ashamed of was gaining close to 40 pounds at one point from when I first started modeling (I only weighed 115lbs). Now, I am about 20 lbs lighter than what I was two years ago, and 15 lbs lighter than what I was 6 months ago. I miss my boobs, but I'll trade breasts for a non-existent waistline. :D